作为一名专门从事男同性恋者和男同性恋伴侣治疗超过28年的心理治疗师，我接触过很多不同年龄、国籍、种族和背景的人。 gydF4y2Ba
你可以说我对此进行了研究，我为南加州大学社会工作Suzanne Dworak-Peck学院的研究生教授一门关于夫妻治疗的课程。 In that course, we study various evidence-based practice models for couples (those are the techniques shown through formal research to have positive outcomes for the clients), and one of the several is The Gottman Method, pioneered by husband-and-wife mental health professionals and couple researchers, Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman – as summarised in 夫妻治疗临床手册gydF4y2Ba．gydF4y2Ba
John Gottman博士教授了一个经典的结构来理解是什么驱动着一段关系，是什么使他们繁荣，又是什么破坏了他们，并使他们走上了婚姻离婚或其他类型的关系破裂的道路。 他称他们为"启示录的四骑士"这是从他作为正统犹太人的角度引用的圣经，加上他作为最重要的夫妻研究人员之一的地位gydF4y2Ba爱情实验室gydF4y2Ba在华盛顿西雅图，他被任命为华盛顿大学的教授。gydF4y2Ba
戈特曼将威胁人际关系的可怕的“四骑士”描述为:防御、批评、拖延和蔑视。 If any one of these is present in your relationship out of proportion to more positive traits, such as sharing life dreams together, your relationship could be on a collision course for ending.
让我们在男同性恋关系的特殊背景下依次看看这些，并讨论一些保护和改善你们关系的替代方案:gydF4y2Ba
DefensivenesgydF4y2Ba年代gydF4y2Ba
在争论中，你不是在受审。 Discussing a problem or impasse in your house is not a formal legal proceeding, and it’s not about ‘proving’ to some invisible judge that you’re right and your partner is wrong.
对伴侣以矛盾开头的陈述做出回应，比如，“不，我不!” 我根本就不这么做! 太疯狂了! If I do that, it’s only because you made me that way!’ are not going to get you anywhere. Being invested in invalidating your partner’s statements, even if you disagree, instead of hearing them out (again, even if you disagree) is dangerous to relationship health. Gay men can be especially ‘attuned’ to defensiveness, because without always knowing it consciously, we have had to defend who we are against critics for a lifetime. We’ve had a lot of practice.
还有什么别的选择?gydF4y2Ba
与反同性恋的言论和辱骂不同，当涉及到我们的伴侣时，我们希望欢迎他们的反馈。 让他们把话说出来，一吐为快。 See if you can find any part of what they are saying that you agree with. Even if you want to rush to defend yourself, do the opposite: attempt to meet them in a place of collaborative discussion and healing. Try to ‘repair’ (as Gottman says) the breach of agreement you currently have.
你可以这样说，‘告诉我更多关于这个的 。 你为什么会有这种感觉?”Ask for clarification: ‘When you say that I do this, do you mean all the time, or certain important, occasional times?’ See if you can ‘play therapist’ with them: ‘Tell me how you felt when I did that. Why was that important to you to talk to me about?”‘ Try to validate what they are saying, just so you hear their side in detail. ‘You seem upset. What about this is upsetting you?’
与其进行防御，不如试着中立地探索另一半的感受，更深入地理解他们，这样你就能给出更合理、更深思熟虑的回应，而不仅仅是最初的反应。 gydF4y2Ba
批评gydF4y2Ba
男同性恋者一生都是严厉批评的受害者，经常被一些派别说我们有病、坏、错、低人一等、不配、或不受欢迎。但在伴侣关系中，高特曼教导说，批评对你没有任何好处。 “你真是个自私的笨蛋!””or ‘You wouldn’t know hard work if it bit you on the butt!’ Or any harsh, broad, blanket, aggressive statement that makes a negative declaration about the other person, particularly if it’s global: ‘You never do anything around this house! You’re such a lazy sack!’
还有什么别的选择?gydF4y2Ba
Gottman会说以“我”开头。 ‘I’ve been very tired lately with work and all this travel, and I’d really like us to talk about finding a way that we can share the household chores here more equitably.’ Or, ‘When you speak to me like that, I feel demoralised and I feel that I don’t want to be around you. I’d like to talk about how we’re both communicating, and see if we can do it differently.’ Think of a finger you’re pointing at them, and then point it back to yourself, and describe what你gydF4y2Ba是，以及什么gydF4y2Ba你gydF4y2Ba感受，而不是他们是什么。 gydF4y2Ba
添加条件句: “有时候我觉得你在派对上喝得太多了，你没有意识到自己有多吵。 当你在我们所有的朋友面前说话太大声，或者当酒精使你变得太大声时，我感到很尴尬gydF4y2BaattitudeygydF4y2Ba与别人在一起，你说什么。 I’m wondering if we could talk about that, and try to find some ways to avoid that next time.’
石墙ydF4y2BaggydF4y2Ba
这与1969年著名的“石墙起义”无关，那是一场解放行动，也是LGBT权利历史上具有开创性的时刻。 太棒了;这种'gydF4y2Ba石墙gydF4y2Ba是不好的。 It’s about ‘putting up a stone wall’ between you and your partner, and it leaves them as if they are talking to a wall rather than to a person. A person’s voice (namely your partner) can’t get through a stone wall.
阻碍某人是指你正在远离富有成效的沟通，你在传递一个贬低他人的信息，即他们要说的话，无论它是什么，对你来说都是绝对不重要的，你甚至不愿意听它，更不用说协商它。 gydF4y2Ba
戈特曼暗示，如果你经常这样做，你们的关系就会结束，因为大多数伴侣要么不能，要么不愿接受他们(所谓的)爱人的这种轻蔑、压抑、居高居高下的对待。 这相当于国家间的外交关系破裂和战争。 gydF4y2Ba
Gottman讨论了一段关系中的功能障碍是如何包括“转身离开”，就像某人(情感上)背对着你，而不是“转向”你的伴侣，努力参与，建立积极的感觉，解决分歧的问题。男同性恋仍然是男人，而男人在争论中的“首选”辩护往往只是为了否认，并试图消失以避免争论。gydF4y2Ba
还有什么别的选择?gydF4y2Ba
Gottman会说，寻找机会进行“修复”。 Is there any part of what your partner is complaining about that you can agree with? Can you acknowledge that the issue they raise is at least important to them, even if it’s not particularly important to you? Can you acknowledge how they might be feeling, even if they are “getting the facts wrong” at first? Can you maybe take only a brief break in the proceedings, but return promptly to productive discussions, and creatively problem-solve with your partner together?
与阻碍相反的是一种平等的交谈和倾听的交流，这个交谈/倾听的过程就像一条路径，夫妇采取创造性的解决方法来解决分歧。 gydF4y2Ba
一栏gydF4y2BatgydF4y2Ba
在我多年的实践中，我发现这是最具破坏性的，这是一对夫妇的标志，在我目睹它发生后，很可能很快就会分手，这是发人深省和悲哀的。 gydF4y2Ba
这完全是对你伴侣所说的话或感觉的否定。 通常用讥笑的语气，或讽刺的语气，或gydF4y2Ba呀!gydF4y2Ba“harumph”下面的“harumph”，我们都知道别人在轻蔑地跟我们说话。 如果你看过这部经典电影，gydF4y2Ba谁怕弗吉尼亚·伍尔夫?gydF4y2Ba或者看过爱德华·阿尔比的戏剧，伊丽莎白·泰勒扮演的玛莎大部分都是这样的。 琼和克里斯蒂娜彼此说话的方式gydF4y2Ba亲爱的妈妈gydF4y2Ba这种轻蔑的语气太夸张了。gydF4y2Ba
这是一种腐蚀性的本质，它侵蚀了一段关系中的爱，在最坏的情况下，是人们失去爱的方式，只是想要离开伴侣和这段关系永远。 gydF4y2Ba
还有什么别的选择?gydF4y2Ba
我相信，尽管有些人可能不同意，但轻蔑会带来非常深的伤害。 It comes from someone who is embittered by not having their needs met, or being chronically mistreated, or being chronically frustrated that what is most important to them is always somehow denied them, and it likely has its roots in the partner’s Family of Origin dynamics and possibly过去的创伤gydF4y2Ba 。gydF4y2Ba
我认为应对这种情况的一种方法是，对那样做的人充满同情，注意不要听起来像是居高临下，而是把那样做的人看作一个受伤的孩子。 Saying something like, ‘I can really hear in what you’re saying that this means a lot to you,’ will sometimes make that person go from being contemptuous to possibly crying or getting in touch with their sadness.
简单地问:“什么会有帮助?””might help them to re-focus on expressing their feelings a different way. Asking, ‘What needs aren’t being met for you?’ is also a way for them to shift from bitter complaint to focusing on creative, positive solutions moving forward.
外卖gydF4y2Ba
里面有更多的话题gydF4y2Ba同性恋治疗gydF4y2Ba可行的干预措施。 Many theorists are said to match, or even exceed, the theory/practice and contributions by the Gottmans (particularly for consensual non-monogamy or poly relationships), but their research gives us some excellent insights into what works over the long term to keep both gay and straight relationships healthy and happy, and, also importantly, what threatens them at their foundation. And there is much more than the ‘four horsemen’ to their work.
但如果你能从反思自己的人际关系开始，并考虑在你最近的行为中，哪些是你可能对自己感到内疚的迹象，这是一个开始，你可能需要获得洞察力，让一段有问题的人际关系重新回到缓解和修复的道路上。gydF4y2Ba
如果你觉得单靠自己的力量做这件事很有挑战性(事实往往如此)，可以考虑向男同性恋专家寻求伴侣咨询或情感指导。这种模式，以及其他研究表明有效的模式，可以帮助你保持和恢复你想要的关系。gydF4y2Ba
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图片来源:gydF4y2BaFreepikgydF4y2Ba
肯·霍华德是加州的一名注册临床社会工作者，gydF4y2Ba也是gydF4y2BaGayTherapyLA.comgydF4y2Ba，gydF4y2Ba与办公室gydF4y2Ba年代gydF4y2Ba在洛杉矶gydF4y2Ba/西好莱坞。gydF4y2Ba
